@astutenewf: Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it's lettuce.
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@lazerdoov: I wanna be rich enough to have 11 midgets who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast
@Diversion50: [solicitor reading my will] "He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose], He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard".
@IamEnidColeslaw: Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's live in a homeless man's beard.