@astutenewf: Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it's lettuce.
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@nerdreign: I worry that people who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead" may have missed a Science class or two.
@SteveSuckington: "Annie are you ok?" -yep "Are you ok?" -dude, I just said yes "Are you ok Annie?" -THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
@13spencer: People who like "The Bachelor" are like racists; you know they're out there, but you just hope your friends don't feel that way.
@KalvinMacleod: [pet store] COP: someone's been stealing puppies OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*