A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
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You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
sir, my pâté if you please
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured