My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
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the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
two people or more is called a problem
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
This could be us… but you playing
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.