date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
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“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.