@badbanana: Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
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@jessokfine: If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn't leave any cash, just a note that says I'VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
@KeetPotato: poet: knick knack.. paddy whack.. me: this guy is awful my dog: i know right poet: ..give the dog a bone my dog: actually lets hear him out
@Owl_Meat: [Car breaks down] Me:*inspecting engine* Date: is everything ok? Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
@KentWGraham: I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.