Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
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Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.