Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
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Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.