Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
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Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles