i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
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Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
We’ve all been there…
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
being a writer on Twitter:
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
My wife gives the best headache.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”