@UNTRESOR: Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

@ValeeGrrl: Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing] 7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON'T HAFTA BE ALONE Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

@ThaJawn: Pro Tip Jehovah's Witnesses will do anything to talk to you, including your dishes and laundry Try it

@GrantTanaka: Wife's been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o's on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help

@ArfMeasures: "We can't put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes" CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan