AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
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[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game