@3sunzzz: Nothing says, "I have a lot of free time," more than someone eating a pomegranate.
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@TheTweetOfGod: "Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops". Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
@nbadag: TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too! HERMIT CRAB: i do. where'd you find yours? T: i was born with it HC: *scoff* ok princess
@ArfMeasures: ME [trying to convince her I care] I'm so angry the big bed cushions haven't arrived WIFE: Throw pillows M: I'm that angry Karen, I might do
@huntigula: I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll