Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
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[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”