@wickedsuga: Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing herself immediately after I pet her.
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@EndhooS: [On a date at a restaurant] So this is nice huh? "Yea,uh, who's that?" *Dad is breathing on the window and writing 'VIRGIN' in the steam*
@ventivodkacran: Unknown person parked their car in my driveway, now it's my car. That's how that works, right?
@jazmasta: I'd like to buy this EXTRA SMALL condom please. "Sir, that is a sleeping bag" *winks at cashier continually until she finishes her shift*