Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
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There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction