Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
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Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no