Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
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The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
People buying plungers never look happy.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t