“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
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Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.