@PuckingItUp: Nothing says "I'm a shitty parent but at least I'm rich" like giving your 2 year old an iPad.
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@Nahdude83: Joe: If you love it so much why don't you marry it? Jim: Hmm [Two weeks later] Jim: Meet my new wife! *holds up Joe's wife's potato salad*
@WilliamAder: Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.