Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
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[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
I hate when that happens.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
…żyje?
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
HERE’S MARKY
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
In case you needed to hear it:
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
he looks great for his age
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?