Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
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Best spot.. 😅
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay