This will never not be funny 😭
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me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one