*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
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Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
beware of dog
(jukin media)
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.