@DBMaxP: Nothing says "Proper Retirement Planning" like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
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@Sarcasticsapien: Coworker: Guess what day it is? Me: Don't. CW: Guess what day it is? Me: Don't. CW: It's hum.. [30 min later] Cop: So you stapled his lips?
@ElgatoEsmio: [DUI checkpoint] Cop: I'm gonna need you to follow my finger Me: As long as it doesn't tweet inspirational stuff
@1evilidiot: You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.