@DBMaxP: Nothing says "Proper Retirement Planning" like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
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@QwertyJones3: An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
@TheAlexNevil: *watching an old Lassie show Me: How come you can't do those things? Dog (mutters): If we had a well I'd push you into it.
@WilliamAder: I'm forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
@sploosk: THERAPIST: what's the problem? WIFE: he objectifies women ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster