Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
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*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Y’all ready for this
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.