@DBMaxP: Nothing says "Proper Retirement Planning" like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
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@moose_chocolate: This morning I waved to the garbage men and smiled at coworkers in the elevator and now I'm pretty sure my wife is drugging my coffee.
@DurtMcHurtt: Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don't like being shaved while they're eating.
@SarahAMoulton: I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. "Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don't eat the sand."
@iGreenMonk: Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I’m not beating her.