@DBMaxP: Nothing says "Proper Retirement Planning" like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
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@dave_cactus: *watching James Blunt mouth "not you" to me after singing You're Beautiful in concert*
@JCautomatic: [Dentist's] Me: *lying back with mouth full of cotton wool* Dentist: So what do you do? Equipment trolley 3ft away: I'm a ventriloquist
@SuicideBooth1: Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time. Dragon: This is the last time. Unicorn: Hell yeah! Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
@BoogTweets: Interviewer: who are these people with you? Me: My squad. My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.