Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
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*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
🤣🤣
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs