*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
fair
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best