[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
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Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.