your honor my client chooses dare
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there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words