Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
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A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
You have been warned.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.