@envydatropic: Nothing says you don't trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
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@iAmDelFreaky: Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
@mommy_cusses: Sorry, can't. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
@215potter: My neighbor's facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
@El_nacho_Nigre: "Gotta wake up early" *sets alarm for 5am* *wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm* *goes back to sleep*