Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
You Might Also Like
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.