How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
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ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
be careful
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.