@kwirkyKerri: Nothing says you married into the wrong damn family like your mother in-law crashing your honeymoon.
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@UncleDuke1969: Me: What are my choices again? Pollster: Donald Trump… Me: Or? Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby. Me: … Pollster: Well? Me: I’m thinking.
@AndRyanTF: I just took such a long hot shower that when I finished, Captain Planet was standing in my bathroom with arms crossed shaking his head at me
@ibid78: [me after 1 minute of jogging] this is good, this was a good decision [me after 3 minutes of jogging] life is suffering, there is no god
@skitzoette: When the space shuttle gets back from its last mission, wouldn't it be hilarious if we were all dressed as apes?