@kwirkyKerri: Nothing says you married into the wrong damn family like your mother in-law crashing your honeymoon.
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@dumbbeezie: I deserve an Oscar for acting like I can see a baby when someone shows me an ultrasound pic
@robolollycop: Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
@SortaBad: Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work? *flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn't find a thermos* "Yes"