Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
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Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
#SCOTUS one-star review
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.