@OneFunnyMummy: Nothing says you're a parent like being jealous of a tree because it's all alone.
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@JimmerThatisAll: This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
@Brianhopecomedy: Apparently saying, "Oh, I just came to watch" makes everyone else uncomfortable in the Pilates class.
@Fred_Delicious: [goes to museum of fine art] "Just how fine can this art be, anyway" [sees a vase in a thong] "oh damn"