@OneFunnyMummy: Nothing says you're a parent like being jealous of a tree because it's all alone.
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@shutupmikeginn: Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
@mrtimlong: When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to "make God laugh"? You wouldn't order a dead carpenter to "make God some bookshelves."
@Dutch_50: Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican? Me: Labels are for soup cans Survey: Can you tell us which way you're leaning? Me: Clam chowder
@stephenjmolloy: [bill gates house] Bill: What's on at the cinema? Wife: Let me google it and- *terrified look at bill* Wife: Let me bing it and see.