Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
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My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
uh oh
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
B
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.