Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
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Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
A wise man once said nothing.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
😩😩😩