@CynicalCanuck: Am I in the Mile High Club if I jerk off under a blanket on a plane? Just kidding, United doesn't have blankets. Sorry lady in seat 21B

@longwall26: Son, we don't play Hungry Hungry Hippos for "fun." We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

@The_GetawayGirl: i'm not in a weird mood this is who i am.

@brynnester: [Restaurant] Waiter: Would Sir care to choose his lobster? Me: There's only 1 in the tank & he's holding a sign that says 'I have a family'

@LurkAtHomeMom: Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.