Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
You Might Also Like
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned