Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
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Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
This sounds bad:
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.