Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
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The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.