Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
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Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again