Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
You Might Also Like
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage