Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
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[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
✌🏽
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
PLEASE READ
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?