Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
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My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.