Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
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If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.