Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
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Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Hey I worked for it too!
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.