Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
You Might Also Like
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3