Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
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Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.