@AristotlesNZ: Nothing solves all of life's biggest problems like a well-timed, awkward & overly complicated kick to the face. -The Karate Kid.
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@MrJeberling: Once while eating bacon I said I was "getting piggy with it" and now I have no friends.
@Home_Halfway: I always have a nightlight on when I go to bed in case someone breaks in and wants to see how cute I look when I'm sleeping.
@itsdivbaby: when i hear fat people say that they've made mistakes, i always think to myself, "yeaa...at the grocery store."
@bugbucket: wonder why's theres a pizza laying here in the middle of the woods *eats it* *dies 82 years later* dammit it was a trap