Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
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[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
*jazz hands*
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.