@mishakey: Nothing terrifies me more than hearing, "Mommy close your eyes I have a present."
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@jctwritesstuff: Me: *tied up* Guy: *hits my kneecap* M: I'm not a rat! G: Bring in her sworn enemy! G2: *tosses Rubik's Cube at me* M: Oh god no! I'll talk!
@ofcourseyoudid: Bird of peace? The dove Bird of war? The hawk Bird of true love? ..wait for it... .... The swallow *walks offstage
@Mr_Kapowski: Wife: Did you want to go to Comic Con? Me: *Google searches 'Is Emilia Clarke going to be on the Game of Thrones panel at Comic Con'* "No"
@Ndeshi_M: I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don't have to talk to them.