@RetweetJoel: "Nothing there? Better bark at it." - a dog
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@DaddyBeerGuy: In case you haven't checked Facebook, It's hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
@mantej: PRO TIP: Name your first child "butter", then accidentally take a different baby home just so you can say "I can't believe it's not butter!”
@SuperRandomish: [Morgan Freeman narrating my life] *extended period of silence* "What the hell am I supposed to do with this..."
@LindaInDisguise: *calls male escort service* Whispers "How much for... you know... someone to go to Red Lobster with me."