@RetweetJoel: "Nothing there? Better bark at it." - a dog
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@prontopup: "OMG IT'S RAINING A LITTLE BIT AND NOW I'VE FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING I'VE EVER KNOWN!!!" - Drivers, apparently.
@2tonbug: "Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
@RocketRankoon: Facebook: "Hey why are you making dumb jokes?! Some of us are praying over here!" Me: *backs away slowly* [My Twitter origin story]
@AHMalcolm: Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about