“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
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911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask