Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
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6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”