Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
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My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
girls literally only want one thing..
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.