Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
You Might Also Like
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
*mops up wine with cat*
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.