Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
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I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Cats (2019)
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.